My Musings
Email me if you wish. Sunday, April 18, 2004Online Wisdom: Part 5It has been almost nine months (approximately the time it takes for a woman to poop a baby out after having sex) since the last Online Wisdom entry. The new text file has been stagnating for ages because I don’t get on AIM much anymore, so I figured I’d dump its contents for the world to see. For those of you who are new, or may have forgotten: this is a collection of stupid stuff that people say to me online. I have taken the liberty of fixing typos and cutting out unnecessary bits, but you have my grave assurances that I haven’t fabricated anything. To show you what I mean, let’s look at the following nugget from Tim, in its original form: The Great Tim: did u take shardule's penis test? I like Tim, so before posting that statement into the blog entry, I might want to try to hide his base illiteracy. The finished version might look like this: The Great Tim: did you take Shardule's penis test? Here “u” became “you,” and I capitalized “Shardule” because it is a proper noun. (You generally want to capitalize those, Tim.) This kind of tomfoolerizing with a statement is okay. However, THIS kind of fiddlery is not: The Great Tim: did you take Shardule's penis? Here I have taken out the word “test” and created a completely different (albeit very funny) statement. Such editing is immoral and bad, and I promise not to indulge in it (although you must appreciate how sorely tempted I am at times). As usual, my comments are in parentheses next to the entry upon which they comment. With that, we begin: Buffy4386: Boris, if you were a guy, what would you want to get your girlfriend? (Ouch! Notice how cleverly she hides the vicious insult!) Toxin1234: well Boris, one of my future roommates very much reminds me of you Toxin1234: in terms of speaking style and content Toxin1234: I am going to hate next year. Ice man480: say hi to your roommate and the hooker for me if he can hear you over the loud music (um…) Auto response from fly197: following the cs department's advice about showering sometimes (What?! Marina showers?? Surely this away message is a lie.) fly197: my math prof used to teach at Harvard fly197: did I tell you that? he's a Harvard hick Auto response from chessmen15: I guess if you really want to get down to it from a logical perspective, my favorite animal is the elephant. They are big and friendly. But I also really like monkeys. icetune02: Just so you know, elephants are NOT friendly creatures icetune02: When we were in Africa they tried to surround our van, and then started closing in on us icetune02: That is not friendly behavior (Thank you, Steven, for ruthlessly slaughtering what little remained of my childhood innocence.) slila22: yay for lysdexia ChessMen15: I thought everybody here was an amateur hacker GreenKnightF3: No, my friends and I are the only geniuses. fly197: "CMU is like unprotected sex...it feels so good when you get in, but once you are there you wish you never came." (CMU = Carnegie Mellon University = the university that Marina got into and I didn’t because she’s smart and I’m not) (Good friends will always listen to you) ChessMen15: for me, I need to have the psychological satisfaction of knowing that somebody is actually listening to and absorbing what I am complaining about Buffy4386 signed off at 11:28:03 PM. The Great Tim: What the hell is wrong with u Boris, u have a laptop for god's sake, take it with u, don't just leave it sitting in ur room on all day, thats such a waste of a laptop The Great Tim: ok, i feel better now Auto response from chessmen15: Doing my best not to procrastinate. zipi197: it's Friday zipi197: don’t worry about procrastination until Sunday night (Sage words.) Buffy4386: Does your computer beep? Buffy4386: BEEP! Buffy4386: Beep Buffy4386: Beep Buffy4386: Beep Buffy4386: Beep Buffy4386: Beeep (Evidently it does now) DontMinChenIt: well, here is how I see the problem: you should just let the Jewish fraternity kill you. That way we don’t have to dirty our hands and everyone's happy Toxin1234: hey boarass Toxin1234: hahah boarass. Buffy4386: I like being allowed to kill myself with my own stupidity Hepcat800: grammar are bad DontMinChenIt: mmmmm elephants... I had that for dinner the other night run stickle run: whats your last name ChessMen15: Dvorkin run stickle run: nice run stickle run: how do you spell that (Har!) Auto response from chessmen15: Trying, trying so hard not waste this Saturday like I did the first two. slila22: good job (Lila loves me) [same away message] fly197: bor, its hopeless. you're gonna waste it (Marina, obviously, does not) Buffy4386: I need to clean my ears. fly197: wow. I'm a waste of space. (YES! From her own mouth, the truth — caught on tape!) The Great Tim: he said his penis doubled as a tripod The Great Tim: or a kick stand (if I only remembered what on Earth we were talking about) The Great Tim: did you take Shardule's penis test? (Hmm...Tim seems to have some sort of strange fascination with penises) Boris says: Dan, you are a sick, twisted freak Boris says: :) DanJ says: haha DanJ says: darn tootin! Auto response from chessmen15: That physics test was my BITCH. I OWNED that mo-fo. I took it for a RIDE. I anally raped it up the...okay, I think I'll stop there. snobuny4ever: "anally raped it up the...." isn’t that redundant? (True. Julie got me fair and square on that one) Buffy4386: I have a hickie on my lips, can you believe it? ChessMen15: let's hope that was a better hug than the ones I give in real life :-) Buffy4386: What's wrong with the hugs you give in real life? ChessMen15: I thought you said I gave bad hugs! Buffy4386: Well, you do. (Thanks, Mandy. Thanks a lot.) ChessMen15: hey Mandy! Buffy4386 signed off at 8:26:30 PM. Auto response from fly197: the world does not start and stop at your convenience, you miserable piece of shit (Whatever happened to the ideal that away messages should be happy, funny, and uplifting?) NerdamI2k: and I don't think I would look good in a skirt (Au contraire, Ro — I think it would suit you marvelously) Buffy4386: Boris? ChessMen15: yes? Buffy4386: What state do you live in? ChessMen15: Ohio, I think Buffy4386: Right. Buffy4386: That's what I thought Buffy4386: Just checking Buffy4386: Have I ever told you how much I hate this away message? Auto response from chessmen15: There is a very good chance that if you IM me right now, you will get an away message saying that there is a very good chance that if you IM me right now, you will get an away message saying that there is a very good chance that if you IM me right now, you will get an away message saying that there is a very good chance that if you IM me right now, you will get an away message saying that there is a very good chance that if you IM me right now, you will get an away message saying that there is a very good chance that if you IM me right now, you will get an away message saying that there is a very good chance that if you IM me right now, you will get an away message which will make you thank god that there is a character limit. Buffy4386: A lot. Buffy4386: I hate it a lot (Hee hee hee) ChessMen15: shit! ChessMen15: on a stick! ChessMen15: with cheese! fencingviolist: mmmmm . . . (Yuck!) snobuny4ever: and work on that sex icetune02: BORIS!! icetune02: You must have fallen off the face of the Earth icetune02: I'm convinced icetune02: somehow your away message keeps changing icetune02: but clearly, you no longer exist (Am I such a loser that when I take a break from AIM, people think I died?) JimHeng: sorry, Kevin was trying to molest me (Jim and Kevin are roommates) slila22: you make me ill Auto response from run stickle run: metaphor time: I feel like I'm playing Mastermind. You know, the game where you make the codes, except every time I guess wrong, I get kicked in the nutsack and all my old guesses get taken away. (Lila definitely puts the “Wisdom” in “Online Wisdom” slila22: now do you understand the truth of life? ChessMen15: uh, no ChessMen15: I wasn't aware the truth was in that book slila22: "don't be a dumbass" slila22: that's the truth NerdamI2k: I got a nice new Dell (if you say ‘dude you got a dell’ I will put a warning on your ass) ChessMen15: kool ChessMen15: dude, you got a bell! [At this point, Roger promptly warns me] ChessMen15: hey! ChessMen15: I didn't say Dell! ChessMen15: I said bell ChessMen15: you're mean! NerdamI2k: sorry I'm slydexic (Dyslexia makes you read letters out of order — mistaking a lowercase b for a capital D is called “stupidity,” you poop-head) [now several people proceed to ask me why I’m warned] wolfgirl1888: who warned u? RagingRaptor mh2: what are you doing to deserve warnings? fronomo530: who warned ya? TheaVoluptas: So what's up with that warning level? fronomo530: oh it was funny alright ChessMen15: yup fronomo530: and by funny I mean really stupid fronomo530: let's say I have a hypothetical situation that's not at all hypothetical fronomo530: would you think it would be a hypothetical if I told you it would be? (Ummm…sure) TheaVoluptas: What're you doing, Boris? Auto response from chessmen15: Going for a walk. TheaVoluptas: Going for a walk? TheaVoluptas: (Hehe, see, this way it's like a real conversation!) TheaVoluptas: How...walkish of you. (Oh dear, she is BORED) (Excellent interjection) TheaVoluptas: Flipping blat, you monkey! Bad Hair 17: I've very excited about my new math book Bad Hair 17: :-) ChessMen15: what's so exciting about a math book? ChessMen15: is it, like, fruity and humorous? Bad Hair 17: It's a book about MATH!!! TheaVoluptas: I want you so bad (True quote! Taken blatantly out of context…but a true quote nonetheless) TheaVoluptas: "Every time a woman masturbates, God gives the world a puppy." TheaVoluptas: "So please, think of the puppies." slila22: because it sucks Boris. slila22: it doesn't suck Boris. It sucks, Boris. (Ahhh. I was beginning to wonder) fly197: you're worthless (Marina says this to me approximately 2122 times per hour when we hang out. I guess it figures she’d tell me once online, too) Hepcat800: see? That’s what I’m talking about. You’re so negative all the time. I think we need to re-examine your aura and maybe think about doing some yoga exercises to clear out all the negative "wah" (that’s a technical term for "bad things") ChessMen15: okay ChessMen15: where do we start? Hepcat800: okay, you sit on the floor with your legs crossed and your back straight and and you close your eyes, maybe put on some mood music like Batty White or something and you start chanting "wahwahwahwahwah" and so on until it all goes away (Batty White = Barry White?) fly197: do you know anything about deterministic finite-state automata? (Kevin expresses his disapproval of Andy’s screen name) fencingviolist: did your plans involve playing Soul Caliber, or are you talking to Hair girl or someone? ChessMen15: badhair17? fencingviolist: yeah ChessMen15: yeah, I'm talking to him... fencingviolist: that's a guy?! ChessMen15: um...yes fencingviolist: um . . . fencingviolist: yeah ChessMen15: what's wrong with that? ChessMen15: when he was little, he had very unruly hair fencingviolist: it has the word hair in it fencingviolist: only girls are allowed to worry about hair ChessMen15: he didn't worry ChessMen15: he didn't care at all ChessMen15: it was just a facet of his existence fencingviolist: well, if he's a guy, it shouldn't even be that Hepcat800: *Krak-Ka-Squish!!!!!!!!!!!!!!* (that’s your head being cracked) (Fun times in a chat room with Ro and Marina) NerdamI2k: do your farts smell like cinnamon, Marina? (We end with the following example of Benjy’s marvelous genius:) Ice man480: I'm on spring break now ChessMen15: cool ChessMen15: how's it so far? Ice man480: good been playing some games online Ice man480: did some kickboxing and gave the girl I was thinking about asking out a black eye (Bravo, Benjy.) And that about wraps things up. I hope you enjoyed this collection of online snippets, and I wonder whether there will ever be a Part Six. If you have finals coming up soon: good luck! And if you DON’T have finals coming up soon: ha ha ha, you have to be in school until JUNE, sucks to be you, ha ha ha. .: posted by Boris 3:12 PM |
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