My Musings
Email me if you wish. Friday, July 25, 2003Online Wisdom: Part 4Wow, I haven’t touched my blog in a long time. Over two months, to be exact. The last post I made was about how my blog was broken, but it fixed itself ages ago; I’ve just been too lazy to update it. Quite ironic, really—during the school year, when time was in short supply and I had buttloads of work to do, I still somehow managed to update my blog. Yet now, in the summer, when I have all the time in the world, enough to easily write up a billion good entries—all I do is sit around and play computer games. Which I happen to enjoy very much. But it’d be nice if I would take a few hours away from playing computer games to put up a little blog entry every now and then. Ah well, I’m lazy. What can I do? Anyway, here is the fourth installment of Online Wisdom, the entry where YOU, my faithful friends and readers, get to…uh…well, be made fun of. By me. As always, I’ve made some changes to the format. You are probably familiar by now with my complicated editing system of brackets, ellipses, and parentheses. I’m scrapping all of it. The editing marks are annoying, they get in the way, and they dampen the effects of a joke. So from now on, whenever I want to edit what I put in here, I will simply make the change and post it as if that was the way it was originally said. This way, I can make all sorts of crazy changes—anything from fixing typos to excising whole lines—and you won’t know the difference! Of course, this means that I now have the power to warp the contextual meaning of things that were said, or, worse, to commit forgery and completely make up stuff that was never said at all. But you have my honest, solemn word as a gentleman, or as a scumbag, whichever you prefer, that the only editing I have done was to fix ugly syntax, remove irrelevant comments, and other such trivial junk. I think that’s pretty much the only change. You’ll still find my (rarely) witty comments encased in parentheses, stuck above or below (or both) the entry which they comment upon. Enjoy! sushi1323: have u seen that new pirate movie? sushi1323: it's rated arrrrrrrrr! (And then Sasha was stripped of all her joking privileges) S10penguin: hey, i will brb ChessMen15: okay S10penguin signed off at 4:10:55 PM. (“I’ll be right back,” she assures me.) sushi1323: OMG, is dave barry an author? sushi1323: cause I think I have one of his books ChessMen15: oh yeah, he's very prolific ChessMen15: he also has a syndicated column that appears in the Accent section of the Dispatch on Sundays (pause) sushi1323: I think I need dictionary.com sushi1323: hmph sushi1323: prolific: Producing offspring or fruit in great abundance; fertile. sushi1323: or: Producing abundant works or results: a prolific artist. sushi1323: I think I'll go with the second one (Good work, Sasha! Your astounding brilliance continues to amaze us all!) sushi1323: thanks for the hangover ChessMen15: no problem S10penguin: hey, brb, really (Uh huh, sure. Whatever. I believe you.) sushi1323: Goris, how do you get rid of stalkers? (Please? People? Any chance you could spell my name right? I know it must be really hard to correctly type a sequence of FIVE WHOLE DIFFERENT LETTERS, but can you pretty please try? For your old friend Boris? This goes for all of you, not just Sasha. I just used Sasha as an example because I make fun of her a lot anyway.) Auto response from slila22: most accurate quizilla answer ever: You are CAPTAIN RETARD! LEADER OF ALL THINGS STUPID! You can point out the obvious, and can be REALLY ANNOYING! But don't let it discourage you. You still have yourself to talk to. Buffy4386: I feel much stupider thanks to you. (It seems my work here is done) sushi1323: Hello Boris ChessMen15: hello sushi1323: How are you? ChessMen15: not bad sushi1323: You always say that!!!!! (Well, excuuuuuse me if I just usually happen to be not bad! Yeesh.) sushi1323: You are such a party pooper! ChessMen15: bye! SmarterChild: S'later, ChessMen15. (“S’later?” That’s more than just retarded-sounding; it isn’t even a grammatically proper contraction.) Toxin1234: she's christian I'm a jew Toxin1234: what bearing this has on PROM Toxin1234: i have no fucking clue Toxin1234: wow that rhymed fro2point0: Boris, you're a dork and that's why we love you NerdamI2k: boris were you aware that the jedi religion is quickly becoming bigger than judaism? (Does anybody here know how to translate Roger?) Toxin1234: she's like the matrix reloaded of prom dates (Ahh, I always love a good simile.) (Priceless wisdom from Timur) Toxin1234: as I've been quoted saying before Toxin1234: "the hardest part about date rape ... is getting the date" (The disadvantage of having serious conversations online) Toxin1234: to quote my prom date circa 50 seconds ago Toxin1234: "I might not be able to go" Toxin1234: "brb" DanTheMan1010101: ho ho howdy bor bor borgisporg! (Okay, Dan, that was way out of line—even for you.) (Yeah, it’s another inside joke. Sorry, I can’t help myself) Auto response from Dapudd610: If I can't take my potty break, my potty break, my potty break, if I can't take my potty break, something within me explodes. LIES DOWN AND SOMETHING WITHIN ME EXPLODES!!!!! *cha cha cha* sushi1323: I don't care, mrs hudson can go eat a dead cow's ass for all i care, (Wow, I guess she really must not care) (Read this and then try to tell me that Sasha is not an evil, sick, twisted, and horrible human being) sushi1323: there was a kid who was killed today downtown from touching an electrical wire sushi1323: it's kinda funny (A wise musing from Lila) slila22: I don't skip school when things are due. I only skip when I get up in the morning and can’t possibly imagine being at school, and I figure that “sick of school” is close enough to “sick” Snobuny4ever: your ears turning red will be one of the FEW things that ill miss about high school! (I am really, truly touched) ChessMen15: hello! S10penguin signed off at 12:33:01 AM. (Pretty soon I’m gonna stop putting comments after these and just let them speak for themselves) Chrono Prizm: hey Auto response from ChessMen15: People ask me: Boris, if you're never there, why do you stay online all the time? To which I say: the monkey ate my refrigerator. Chrono Prizm: wat? (Eugene CLEARLY doesn’t get it) DanTheMan1010101: hey! Auto response from ChessMen15: [same away message] DanTheMan1010101: the monkey ate my refrigerator too! DanTheMan1010101: what a kawinkidink! (See, Dan gets it!) sushi1323: Hey Boris! ChessMen15: hello sushi1323: I hate that! (What? What’d I do?!) Auto response from slila22: I obviously love food more than I love you. sushi1323: ah we still have another day of the weekend! sushi1323: :-( (freak) DanTheMan1010101: ooh ooh eee eee ahhhhh DanTheMan1010101: (monkey noises) (Sometimes I wonder if Jeff is secretly making sense and I’m just too dumb to figure it out, or if he’s just dumb) fro2point0: "le grille, what the hell is that?!" ChessMen15: dunno fro2point0: it was a qoute, in case you didn't guess by the the qoutation marks ChessMen15: I see fro2point0: yup fro2point0 signed off at 5:53:55 PM. snobuny4ever: liar. You don't have a life! snobuny4ever: ha! snobuny4ever: just kidding. But really. How much of a life DO you have?! (Guys, why do I have this nagging feeling that she’s NOT kidding?) sushi1323: haha sushi1323: haha sushi1323: HAHAHA sushi1323: haha (You know who’s really annoying? Those people who always laugh way too damn much at their own jokes.) redhedd 86: so bo bo bo bo bo redhedd 86: r r r r r redhedd 86: is is is is is (Arg, the most terrifying thing has happened—her boyfriend has rubbed off on her! RUN FOR YOUR LIVES!!!) redhedd 86: Thanks Bo Bo! (She’s going out with Dan, i.e. DanTheMan1010101, if you couldn’t tell) NerdamI2k: boris you are a sick sick man (Adam sent me a copy of the fun he had with SmarterChild.) Dapudd611: shut up SmarterChild: OK. Dapudd611: b-izz-ye Dapudd611: hey I was just kidding Dapudd611: SmarterChild! Dapudd611: I was just kidding! :'( SmarterChild: OK, OK. Here I am. Dapudd611: Whew! You had me worried SmarterChild: Oh wow. Dapudd611: I'm sorry SmarterChild: K, don't worry 'bout it. Dapudd611: lol ChessMen15: I really should go to sleep Toxin1234: I really should kill my prom date (You can see that Timur and I are on the same page here) Buffy4386: Not now now, nut later? (Quick! You have five seconds to figure out what the hell she meant!) swallow2585: remember, not all computers are as smart as yours is ChessMen15: hah, my computer is a joke swallow2585: mine has an IQ of about -800 ChessMen15: Ming...computers don't have IQ's swallow2585: well if it had them, it would be about -800 ChessMen15: I see snobuny4ever: go to bed! (Yes, mother) (So Sasha and Cynthia were arguing about whether or not I’m a…well, look) sushi1323: he's a prostitute wolfgirl1888: no, hes not sushi1323: yes he is wolfgirl1888: (no) no, he isnt sushi1323: (yes) yes yes he is! wolfgirl1888: (no) no no he isnt! wolfgirl1888: how bout we ask him? (Then Sasha asked me directly, to settle matters) sushi1323: are you a male prostitute? ChessMen15: no, I am not (Exciting times.) snobuny4ever: BORIS IS DUMB! (Not only is she yelling it, but she’s yelling it right to my face. I tell ya, that girl has some nerve.) snobuny4ever: but you don’t count, Boris snobuny4ever: you aren't a true male (What?! That’s not true! If you don’t believe me, look at my last Online Wisdom entry, and you’ll see! Mandy’s a good friend. She sticks up for me.) NerdamI2k: hello boris ChessMen15: hello (long pause) ChessMen15: see ya later, Roger NerdamI2k: bye NerdamI2k: great conversation NerdamI2k signed off at 12:15:45 PM. DontMinChenIt: have you ever tried a blowtorch? icetune02: hey ChessMen15: hello (long pause) icetune02: soooo... icetune02 signed off at 6:28:01 PM. (Looks like he was about to say something, but then thought better of it) DontMinChenIt: you should revolute!!! (Revolute…revolute…not a word) NerdamI2k: I've found myself getting more and more politically sarcastic as of late ChessMen15: how so? NerdamI2k: well I'll go off topic on the message boards I frequent to rant about the Bush Tax Cut NerdamI2k: maybe it's all the Calvin and Hobbes I've been reading (Uh huh…) ChessMen15: good night, Roger! NerdamI2k: good afternoon S10penguin: love you baby (Let this stand as a warning to all those who leave their computers unattended) ChessMen15: how are you? JaOzSaH55: decent, I had a worthless day JaOzSaH55: I was even worthless at work, I almost broke the shredding machine NerdamI2k: boris I am the biggest idiot on the planet, I (…) (…and then he said something else to clarify, but I think I heard all I needed to hear right there) Snobuny4ever: IM SORRY, its really dark in here and i cant see the keys and im such a bad typer that i have to look at the keys whenb i type soi m havubg and lor of problems icetune02: You bastard!!! (Ouch. Whoa. I wonder what I did to deserve that one?) Auto response from thumper00056: I'm out like the fat kid in dodge ball (Very nice, very nice) NerdamI2k: well I'm going to call someone tomorrow morning and see if I can get my life back together (I’m not sure if there’s anyone you can call to provide that kind of service) NerdamI2k: *kicks self in head (Ha ha!) fro2point0: brb fro2point0 signed off at 8:02:59 PM. (Oh great, now he’s doing it, too) sushi1323: Did you read about that new bra? (Yes, I happen to be very up to date regarding all the changes going on in bra fashion; what particular bra might this be that you’re asking about?) Auto response from redhedd 86: Hi, I am in the shower right now! Wish you could join me ;-) Be back later! (What is it with people and perverted shower away messages?!) Auto response from Dapudd611: I am away from my computer right now because I am graduating. (Hee hee.) sushi1323: Boristina! (No. Not acceptable.) sushi1323: don’t take this too personally, but you're kinda boring, and predictable (Um…okay. Very well, I take no offense. Oh, and don’t take this too personally, but you’re kind of stupid, and annoying.) Ezkicow97: boris, ur a sick man (Am I getting déjà vu here, or did somebody else say that to me a little bit ago?) NerdamI2k: you are evil (Jesus, what am I doing to warrant all these nasty comments?!) Auto response from slila22: ah lovely summer time. Watch out for falling "i'm out like a..."s: I'm out like an anorexic girl in a pie eating contest. Cell it. (Keep the great similes coming, folks!) DontMinChenIt signed off at 12:21:04 PM. DontMinChenIt signed on at 12:22:45 PM. DontMinChenIt: well I'm gonna go DontMinChenIt: bye DontMinChenIt signed off at 12:23:04 PM. zipi197: your blog is very... interesting zipi197: it seems like you have a lot of spare time on your hands (Why, thank you! I really appre…heeeeeeeey, wait a second! THAT WASN’T A COMPLIMENT!!) ChessMen15: I'll have to talk to this friend of yours sometime zipi197: hehe, ok zipi197: but he's in Florida for 3 weeks diving for shark teeth (I swear, some people have the coolest friends) fronomo530: I'm evil and I'm proud of it! (Finally, Jeff found something to be proud of) (This particular unfortunate typo seems to be quite common) ChessMen15: sorry, I'm off tonight hatebug23: tits' okay S10penguin: brb ChessMen15: okay, see ya S10penguin signed off at 11:24:58 PM. (Am I really so boring that people lie to me and say they’ll be right back when really they have every intention to leave and never speak to me again?) slila22: good thinking ChessMen15: thanks slila22: no problem ChessMen15: it's not something I'm frequently known for slila22: welcome to the club ChessMen15: sweet, there's a club?! ChessMen15: when do you guys meet? slila22: we don't. It makes it extra secret ChessMen15: ah ChessMen15: good thinking ChessMen15: okay, brb sushi1323: kkk sushi1323: oops sushi1323: kk ChessMen15: hello Toxin1234: sorry was away Toxin1234: taking a good shit (Thanks for informing me. And now I just informed everybody else. Whoops.) Toxin1234: happy 1 minute late birthday Boris (Ah, close enough) sushi1323: i just gluesticked my lips shut fronomo530: hi ChessMen15: hello fronomo530: bye ChessMen15: bye fronomo530 signed off at 1:24:03 PM. sushi1323: You are such a freak (Speak for yourself there, you lip-gluing, weekend-hating masochist) ChessMen15: I thought you like went to the gym and did weights or something slila22: oh ha no. Hepcat800: borid? Hepcat800: I spelled your name wrong (Ah, thanks for telling me) ChessMen15: hey Ben! Hepcat800: howdy up, Boris (I’ve heard of “howdy,” but “howdy up?” How do you howdy back down?) ChessMen15: hey Mandy! Buffy4386 signed off at 11:28:41 AM. NerdamI2k: well, laterz (Roger, please, for all our sakes—quit talking hacker) (Another one of my favorite away messages) Auto response from Energetic56: I don't usually dwell on sad news like this, but sometimes we need to pause and remember what life is all about. There was a great loss recently. Larry LaPrise, who wrote the song "Hokey Pokey," died this week at age 83. It was extremely difficult for the family to keep him in the casket. They'd put his left leg in and..... well, you know the rest. (Watch carefully as Deniz, in his desperate attempt to fix a typo, only digs his hole deeper and deeper. See if you can follow along his chain of errors.) Scubaman342: ao well. Scubaman342: oh Scubaman342: mot ao Scubaman342: not Scubaman342: not mot ChessMen15: we'll miss you man icetune02: no you won't (Fine, then, Mr. Grouchy Pants! We WON’T miss you! In fact, we’re GLAD you’re gone! In fact, never ever come back! And stay there!) sushi1323: Don't you hate hairdressers? (I put this in here because it is very interesting English) Hepcat800: but it looked really excellent (This is utterly amazing. Everybody, please pay attention to this historic moment, when Sasha says something that actually makes sense!) sushi1323: I'm such a dip! ChessMen15: you could swim Buffy4386: Hehe, no. ChessMen15: why not? Buffy4386: Because I'm the palest thing since Edward Scissor Hands. (Ahh, I’m such a sucker for clever analogies) ChessMen15: l ChessMen15: sorry Buffy4386: Why? ChessMen15: I said "l" randomly Buffy4386: Ohh. Buffy4386: I totally just dismissed that. NerdamI2k: Boris, you are sometimes more arcane than humanly possible. (Well, at least I don’t normally use arcane words like “arcane.”) fronomo530: Boris, you're a mad man fronomo530: madman* fronomo530: no spave fronomo530: space* (Please, people—if you make a typo, let it go! Unless you misspelled my name. That one is only punishable by death. But everything else—let it go.) NerdamI2k: YAY I just shaved 10 seconds off my best time at expert minesweeper NerdamI2k: 138 seconds. (Anybody who “YAY”s about anything regarding Minesweeper needs to find a new hobby immediately.) LisaLee1603: Lisa says you sound like SmarterChild (Ouch! I swear, people say the meanest things to me. I hope that those of you who have talked with SmarterChild can appreciate how unfairly I was insulted here.) Hepcat800: all your base are belong to us! Auto response from slila22: Olsen twin special. Am aware I'm a loser. (Lila, more than anybody else, definitely puts the “wisdom” in “online wisdom.”) slila22: the ceiling and the sky are both up slila22: what up homie g dawg? (Oh, Lila) slila22: did you not know that I'm straight from the strizzeets? (Oy.) sushi1323: Well, I'll just be on Main Street... selling myself to the horny poor people (If any of you ever think that I go a little harsh on Sasha, I offer you the following:) sushi1323: I've got a brilliant idea ChessMen15: I have my doubts ChessMen15: what is it? sushi1323: fuck you! ChessMen15: hmm ChessMen15: I don't know if I like that idea so much sushi1323: EW boris ChessMen15: well? What's the idea? sushi1323: I can't spell it so never mind ChessMen15: ?? ChessMen15: k... sushi1323: psychology ChessMen15: yes? sushi1323: I need to go see a psychologist ChessMen15: ah sushi1323: but that's not the brilliant idea ChessMen15: okay ChessMen15: I'm still waiting for that one sushi1323: nvm... it's gone ChessMen15: rats ChessMen15: guess we waited too long, and your brain couldn't store it sushi1323: nope it had to do with monkeys ChessMen15: really ChessMen15: must've been an exciting idea sushi1323: very close sushi1323: yes it was Hepcat800: ootiootiootiootiootiootiootiooti Hepcat800: right, but you know what I mean, right? ChessMen15: no ChessMen15: what do you mean? Hepcat800: hell Hepcat800: I dunno Hepcat800: rat balls (One of the funnier interjections I have seen) Hepcat800: nuts ChessMen15: nuts spelled backwards is stun (A direct rip from Lila) Hepcat800: stun spelled backwards is flamingo (But Ben wins) Hepcat800: spifftastic ChessMen15: Sarah!! ChessMen15: hey! S10penguin signed off at 5:17:56 PM. S10penguin signed on at 5:37:22 PM. ChessMen15: Sarah!! ChessMen15: hey! S10penguin signed off at 5:40:17 PM. (No, I did not accidentally paste that twice. It actually happened that way. Very depressing.) (Since when do I deserve so much god damn flak just for saying “hello?!”) NerdamI2k: hi boris what's up? ChessMen15: hello NerdamI2k: that is not an answer to my question, nor is it a good font snobuny4ever: you have waaaaaayyyy too much time (Fine! Fine! I have way too much time! I admit it. There. Now could you all please stop harassing me about it?) fronomo530: but it's obvious that my humor is wasted on you Boris ChessMen15: not always fronomo530: not always = yes wolfgirl1888: yea, im deffinitly thinking that shes write wolfgirl1888: rite* (Am I too much of a dork if I find it infinitely hilarious that of all the things she could have fixed in that typo-ridden sentence, she only picked one, and she fixed it wrong?) (Here we have a very unique example of an unfortunate typo) wolfgirl1888: ok, I’m outta here wolfgirl1888: I need sleep ChessMen15: good night Cynthia! ChessMen15: me too wolfgirl1888: and my parents think I’m in ben fronomo530: I got to ass before Boris jumped in (I’m sure there’s an innocent explanation for this one, but I have no idea what on Earth it could be, and I didn’t save the rest of the conversation. Arg. Frightening.) fronomo530: are there 15 men that play chess? ChessMen15: no ChessMen15: I was born on June 15 (Not terribly amusing, I know, but I hope this clarifies it for everybody) sushi1323: i just made staple earings! (And then all I could do was stare at my computer screen and sigh) NerdamI2k: boris, you are by far the most arcane and unfathomable person I've ever met, read your own away message, WHAT DOES IT MEAN!!!!? (Oooo, so now I’m arcane AND unfathomable. Slick.) NerdamI2k: laterz (ROGER, STOP IT NOW!) slila22: I have to go at least pretend I'm going to do the shit I meant to do fly197: best pickup line that someone tried on me in London: 'do you wanna get laid?' (Did it work?) (Wow, my blog served a use to humanity!) Auto response from sushi1323: Maybe not all of you have read Boris' Blog, but some time ago he had an entry entitled like... DVD anticts or something along those lines... in this entry he told about how he and his friends couldn't find the movie they planned on watching until they looked inside the DVD case to find the non-special features disk... Well, this happened to me, unfortunatly I didn't remember this blog entry in time, and so I watched all of the special features two times through just to pass time... before getting on the computer and looking at his blog, then looking at the blog mirorr and then that entry... stupid stupid Sasha... well since I have already wasted most of my night I will watch the rest of the movie some other time... I'll be back later y'all... and damn the DVD makers! (Except we were definitely a lot smarter about it than Sasha was. Yay for Lila!) sushi1323: but whatever lights your boat (Floats, Sasha—whatever FLOATS your boat! Floats!! Don’t slaughter one of my favorite phrases of all time like that! What the heck does “lights your boat” mean, anyway?!) sushi1323: you're dumb sushi1323: jk ChessMen15: you're dumb ChessMen15: (notice the lack of jk) sushi1323: huh? ChessMen15: oh, nothing! sushi1323: I get it! you're mean! ChessMen15: :-D sushi1323: and now you smile about your meanness sushi1323: :-( (Please, cry) sushi1323: I meant what r u pasting it on? ChessMen15: my text files ChessMen15: I have many sushi1323: I don't like being on those... it's humiliating! (Yes, ironic, isn’t it?) ChessMen15: check Auto response from fronomo530: don't check here (I said this after Lila nagged me about a bunch of stuff) ChessMen15: since when did my mom die and you took her place?! slila22: I'm everybody's part time mother (That must be tough) Auto response from fly197: When life gives you lemons, just shut up and eat your damn lemons. Hepcat800: Boris? Are you there? Can you hear me? BORISSSS!!!!! Auto response from thumper00056: chillin' like a villian (Great, so now all of my friends are either hackers or gangsters. Just great.) (The infernal AIM character limit claims another victim) WESLEYAN '07!! Clark Hall rm 121 w/VICKI,aka, they wont let me write more in my profile DontMinChenIt: I HAVE SEEN THE SASQUATCH! Buffy4386: I'm shedding like a Shetland sheep dog. Buffy4386: Yes, Boris. Didn't you know that's where I work? At a strip club? Buffy4386: And none of the other exotic dancers there will even say hi to me Buffy4386: But my customers sure do. ;-) Buffy4386: :-D (I wonder how many more times I will see unfortunate typos of this nature before I die) Hepcat800: that's wha tit said (And now we end with something that actually appeared towards the beginning of my text file, but which I saved for the end because I believe that it is the all-time funniest thing that has ever been spoken to me online. See what you think:) S10penguin: Chris likes my anal hares Well, folks, that about does it for this installment of online hilarity. I will now create odd5.txt, and hopefully you can expect an Online Wisdom: Part 5 sometime in the future. Until then—adios! .: posted by Boris 9:30 PM
Comments:
Post a Comment
|
|