My Musings
Email me if you wish. Monday, May 10, 2004We LoseWhich is the better gender: male, female, or dinosaur? At first you might think, “Duh, dinosaur. They’re big and powerful and they crush stuff.” But you are wrong. Anyone who thinks the word “duh” before making a thought is stupid. Also, the dinosaurs died when a big meteor hit the Earth and sent up a dust cloud that blocked the sun — so the entire dinosaur species was killed by a DUST CLOUD. Weak!! Thus we are left with males and females. Males have a lot of things going for them. They’re physically stronger. They also run the world, mostly. Females think they control us and are better than us, but WE are the ones who own the nukes. We control the corporations, the world economy, the jobs, the fate of billions of people. Women control: sex. And, from the way things are looking as far as the world population goes, women aren’t controlling it very well. So it looks like we menfolk have the upper hand. But! In the end, women win, because they have something that men don’t. They have something so incredibly cool that men can’t hope to compete. They have IFH: intelligent flying hormones. What is IFH? It’s a long story, most of which is probably horribly false. You will listen to it anyway. And, if you’re a girl, you may lose all respect for me. Roughly every month, women get this thing called a “period.” A period is basically where the woman loses some blood and her hormones temporarily go out of whack like the instruments on an airplane after an electromagnetic surge. This can be bad. But since the complete menstrual cycle is about the same length for every woman, and since the point at which the cycle first appears is random, you would expect that, given a concentrated population of women, the odds that all of their hormones will go out of whack at the same time are, mercifully, very small. Wrong! Apparently — as I learned from sources who I trust are reliable, because they are girls — when many women are around each other, all of their cycles shift into alignment. Kind of like the alignment of the planets, only not nearly as cool. And not as gradual, either — you would expect this cycle-shifting to be a gradual process, requiring maybe a year to complete, or at least the length of one cycle — but once again: wrong! Put a bunch of girls together, and BAM, within as quickly as one week, all of their cycles might be in alignment. All of those hormones spinning crazily out of control all at once. Scary! But also pretty nifty. Because you have to wonder: HOW do these cycles know to shift? How do one female’s hormones know that there are other females about? One possible answer is magic fairies that go around making cakes with yummy frosting and poisoned mushrooms. You eat the cake and it makes you puke, and then the magic fairies laugh. I saw this one episode of 20/20 many years ago where some dude found tasty-looking mushrooms in the forest and fed them to his whole family, and then they all woke up in the middle of the night puking and pooping uncontrollably and had to go to the hospital. The mushrooms were actually poisonous! A very sad episode, I must say. The moral of this paragraph is: don’t trust mushrooms, even if they look tasty and came from fairies. You may like the fairy theory, even though it has nothing whatsoever to do with menstrual cycles, but I myself prefer the IFH (Intelligent Flying Hormones, if you will recall) theory. Basically, I believe that women continuously give off these IFH, which then intelligently fly around everywhere. After much flying, the IFH return to the woman and decide what to do. Most of the time, they do nothing. But if there is another woman living nearby — or, better yet, many other women — then the IFH from each woman eventually bump into each other and start chatting. A possible conversation could go as follows: IFH #1: Hey! I haven’t seen you before! How’s it going? IFH #2: Not bad, not bad. IFH #1: So when’s your girl due for a period? IFH #2: Eh…I’m thinking a week, maybe a week and a couple of days. You? IFH #1: Coming up soon! Three days. IFH #2: Ah, bummer! You’ll be done right when I have to start working. IFH #1: No kiddin’. Say, do you wanna coordinate? IFH #2: Yeah! I’ll see about maybe starting early. IFH #1: And I can ask my people if we can push things back a day or two. IFH #2: Yeah, yeah! And then we’ll end at the same time; maybe grab a beer afterwards? IFH #1. Awesome. If there are a lot of women around, and therefore many different IFH bandying about, then they all arrange a meeting time and decide how best to shift cycles to accommodate the entire group. That way, they can ALL get beer together. Crazy, you might think. But cycle alignment happens, and there’s gotta be a reason. I think the reason is that women possess smart hormones that fly around and talk to other smart flying hormones. I also think that women can talk to each other telepathically. Sometimes a bunch of people will be sitting around, it’s a nice day outside, nothing’s happening, when all of a sudden: two girls turn and intensely look each other in the eye for a few seconds. Then they giggle maniacally. Nobody can figure out what is so funny, especially the guys in the group, and the girls claim that they can communicate via eye contact and that guys are too stupid to figure it out. Eye contact, my foot! Girls pass messages to their IFH and thereby basically communicate via telepathy. Look: Girl #1: Paging IFH…boys are dumb. IFH of Girl #1: [leaves the body] Why hello! I believe we’ve met. How’s life? IFH of Girl #2: Decent. Just got off a period two days ago. You? IFH of Girl #1: Ah, mine’s coming up in two weeks. We should coordinate next time! IFH of Girl #2: Indeed! For now, though, wanna grab a beer sometime tonight? IFH of Girl #1: Sure; will you be around? IFH of Girl #2: I think so. Hopefully I’ll catch you later. IFH of Girl #1: Okay, cool. Oh, hey — tell your girl that “boys are dumb.” IFH of Girl #2: All righty. See ya. IFH of Girl #1: Later. IFH of Girl #2: [returns] Paging host…boys are dumb. Girls #1 and #2: [looking at each other and sharing a knowing smile] Giggle. And that is why, my male friends, we lose. .: posted by Boris 11:05 PMSunday, May 02, 200420 Questions AIA kid in my English class just posted the coolest link on our discussion board. Click here to see what I'm talking about. Have you ever played the game 20 Questions? If you haven't, then you're dumb. Basically, the website is like 20 Questions -- only you come up with whatever you want, and the AI will figure it out! I was utterly blown away. First the program guessed "computer," then "monkey," then "poop." The AI figured out "poop"!!! Unbelievable. I urge you to take a look -- you won't be disappointed. Unless you're not a loser and you have a life. Then you might be disappointed. The game's victory message: You were thinking of a poop. Is it multicolored? You said No, I say Yes. Is poop really multicolored? If my poop was multicolored, I think I'd be more than a little worried. .: posted by Boris 10:46 PM |
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